May 31, 2021

Episode #19 - Healing a Sudden Loss - with Kerri Scott

Kerri Scott lived with the pain of losing a loved one - twin flame and ex-boyfriend, Michael - to suicide for more than two decades. He had a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. After taking personal responsibility, her grief journey become her spiritual journey and from her loss she has discovered the power of self-love. Kerri is currently working on her debut book, 'Celebrate Your Grief, Transforming Your Loss into Self-Love' and feels that opening up about her grief has changed her in ways she never knew were possible, as she holds space for others to do the same. Hannah and Kerri discuss suicide loss, understanding, bipolar disorder, connection, letting go of the past and creativity.


Hannah Velten 00:10

Hi, everybody, good morning. Good evening. Good afternoon, wherever you are in the world do come in as usual, come and sit around in a circle. I've got a beautiful guest for you to meet tonight. Well, it is my tonight. So you're going to meet a lady called Kerri Scott. Kerri's in Vancouver Island in Canada. And Kerri and I met through a mutual friend; one of those moments where the mutual friend said, 'Oh, you do something like my other friend, why don't you get in touch with each other.' So we did. And it's very, very obvious that Christian and Kerri's loved one in Spirit, were doing the bringing of us together. And as you hear Kerri's story - you know enough of Christian and I, you know our story - but you'll see the massive similarities between Kerri, Michael, Christian and myself; what we are doing, what we have done with our grief, and what we are now putting out into the world, I suppose, about our journeys, and how we can serve other people.


Hannah Velten 01:37

And also, last week, I was talking about having a calling. And, yeah, this kind of links really nicely into how your personal healing can turn into a purpose and a service for other people and on a much, much bigger scale than your personal healing, and how that can expand and grow and how grief can be such a trigger for spiritual growth and personal growth. So I just like to introduce you all to Kerri. This is Kerri Scott. Hi, Kerri. Lovely to see you again.


Kerri Scott 02:24

Hi, thank you, Hannah. Nice to be able to join you.


Hannah Velten 02:28

Oh, you've got a gorgeous sunny morning... we've got a hideous, windy day, all day. And now it's getting dark and wet and horrible. So I'm just looking longingly at that beautiful sunshine behind you.


Kerri Scott 02:42

Please come on over here. I've got lots of room, you can join me.


Hannah Velten 02:46

Oh, boy. Oh, my goodness, if I could, I would jump on a plane. [both laughing] And we all know how difficult that is at the moment... Oh, so Kerri, would you like to just sort of introduce yourself to the audience. Maybe you could start with Michael, who's your loved one in spirit? And, yeah, just tell us a bit about him and yourself and, you know, the sort of the grief that you were dealing with.


Kerri Scott 03:24

Okay. I started reflecting this morning, when we met recently via Zoom, and I think it was one of the first times that I've really, really felt seen with Michael present, because he came through you when we were talking. And it was a very, like, pivotal moment for me in terms of my own understanding of what's been going on. And I do honestly believe since the moment I met him that I, you know, I've been connected with him for, you know, lifetimes; it really felt like that when we first met. And so his presence has always been so strong with me when he was living, and now since he's passed, and I've always kind of wrestled with that inside of myself as to what that is, what that connection is. And in my grief after losing him, I think it's something probably that's more likely in our Western culture, we sort of struggle to push that away. We try and push the loved ones that we lost out of our lives; you know, the common expression, 'you need to let go and you need to move on'. And so I tried to do all this. And in my experience, Michael passed almost two decades ago, and I tried within all that time to do all these different things that society expects you to do with that grief and, in that process, I realised that grief can be something completely different; to experience it in a way that you're embracing it and allowing it. And my personal realisation, I think, was when I learned that I was frozen in my grief, and I wasn't processing it properly, and I wasn't talking to anybody about it. And it was a very, very private experience in my mind with Michael and I didn't feel comfortable telling anybody about it, because I didn't know what their response was going to be. And in our living relationship, it was a short, but long-distance relationship, and not very many people knew us together. And so, when he passed, nobody was reaching out to me to check in and see how I was doing. And as time went on, it seemed almost ridiculous to talk about it. But in my mind, it was such a big thing and such a pivotal experience. And the more I sort of realised the importance of our relationship, the stronger he would come to me, in terms of the thoughts that I was having, and the experiences that I was having... I don't know if that gives you a lot of information about who he was or what happened, but that's kind of the experience that I've been living for 20 years, basically, and now I'm at a place where I'm accepting that, and allowing it. And being able to talk to you, and meeting someone like you who understands what it is that I have been experiencing, has been such a blessing to be able to open up about it and be vulnerable, and allow other people to talk about their experiences.  


Hannah Velten 07:08

Yeah, because we should probably just explain to the audience, Michael, he committed suicide, didn't he, in 2002. And this was after you had been together. So you had quite a short relationship, in terms of how you were meeting physically, and then you had a sort of long distance relationship, but he actually committed suicide two years after your relationship ended, which kind of explains... people might have been wondering why you weren't sort of involved in the grief and why people weren't asking you [how you were]). It's so interesting, because I think lots of the audience are going to resonate with this, because if you have a best friend who passes over, or you have a school friend who you used to know who passes over, or somebody touched your life but you haven't necessarily been with them when they've died, or you haven't been a huge part of their [current] relationships.... you were saying you were stuck in your grief, and you didn't have any way of processing it - much like myself under different circumstances… What was the main reason for your grief being so stuck?


Kerri Scott 08:48

I think there's many reasons, actually, now that I understand it better. But the first part was that, like you said, we weren't together when he passed. And so I wasn't his girlfriend at the time. I wasn't his wife. I wasn't in his life. I mean, we'd talked on the phone a few times, but leading up to it, it really took me by surprise. And because it was a suicide - again, there's this level of uncomfort in our society that really puts death by suicide, kind of sweeps it under the rug and (for lack of a better word, right), and it makes it so silent, and it doesn't get talked about because it makes people uncomfortable. And I mean, death in general, tends to make people uncomfortable. And then grief is another uncomfortable topic. And so, you know, we're just not having the conversations that need to be had. So with Michael, a year before his death, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. And, again, the idea of mental illness playing a role becomes another confusing factor. And so I never went to his funeral or his memorial service and I think that there's only really been one of his close friends that I've talked to about his passing, since he's been gone, and that community really dispersed. My sense is that I'm not the only one that struggles with his loss and is missing him on this deep level, because he was such a big person, such an amazing person in life and in spirit; I think the tragedy of his passing was just so shocking to the community. And so there's all these questions that come into play, especially with suicide, like, what could I have done differently? What could I have done to help him or, you know, to have been there for him, to support him? And there's so much about what happened in those last couple years of his life that I've been sort of searching for the answers to, and a lot of my grief journey has been trying to find those answers through various means... and I can't help but believe that he has really led me to a lot of those answers and to people like you, you know, that he's connected me with, to be able to understand what it is that I longed to understand. And then also to find myself in the process.


Hannah Velten 11:52

...I'm actually so shocked, really, to be honest, that our stories are so similar. And, you know, Michael's passing, and Christian's passing, were fairly similar as well, we're finding out as well. And the way that both of us just couldn't express our grief, for different reasons. And all those questions and all those 'whys?' and there was no completion anywhere. There was nothing. It was all kind of open. And the guilt of it, you know, could I have done something? Could I have made a difference? Yeah, so do you just want to tell us a bit about Michael... you said he was larger then life; I can imagine that Christian and Michael were very similar, as well... I know the love of music they shared. So can you just sort of celebrate Michael for a moment, what he meant to you, and what he maybe still means to you.


Kerri Scott 12:56

Ahh, it's such a lovely thing to be able to do it. Honestly, I don't get the opportunity to really talk about him very much. And so I appreciate this very much. He was just such a beautiful person. He had, you know, blue eyes - crystal clear blue eyes - that just drew you in and... ahh, what can I say? I mean anybody that knew him knows just how magnetic he was. When he talked to people, he really listened; like he just knew your soul instantly. And he was so open and so supportive, and just really... I'm kind of blown away to be honest... he just carried himself with such a confidence. He loved music, like you said, he was a musician in every part of his being. He particularly loved drumming, and 'village instruments', as they say, and a lot of the experiences that people shared with him were in that musical environment sharing, like, being part of the drum circle together that he would lead... ahh, yeah, I just see him sitting behind his drum and his posture was always just so perfectly erect, and the presence that he had in a room just... everybody was drawn to him. I mean, even in the article that was published about him on the day of his memorial service, they acknowledged that; like women from, you know, all ages would be drawn to him {Kerri laughs}. They'd just be magnetised to how good looking he was, and it was so much more than that. It was just the energy of who he was, and how he carried himself that people were just like, you know, flocked to him, to watch him, and be in his presence. I mean he just had this joyful and playful exuberance that really carried people. So yeah, so very similar to Christian.


Hannah Velten 13:05

I mean, I'm speechless because they sound so similar. [Hannah laughing] They could have just been twins, almost. And so these beautiful things that you're saying about him... I mean, we've already talked on one zoom call, and you described Michael as your 'twin flame'. Now, that's obviously a term which we use to label your kind of relationship. Can you unpack it a bit, what you mean by 'twin flame'? And then I'll tell you why I think Christian and I are also 'twin flames'. Now, when you mentioned that, I was like, ‘Oh, yeah. Okay, that sounds right.’ So can you sort of unpick what you mean by it?


Kerri Scott 16:23

Yeah. I think the terminology of 'twin flame' has been something that's really helped me understand our relationship... I'm a little bit unsure as to where I sit with it now, but I know it's been so helpful, in terms of moving me through this process. And so when Michael and I first officially met - I had known him, and of him, pretty much since my childhood. And I think when he first really took notice of me, we instantly connected and the first time that we hugged, there was this incredibly powerful sort of flash of energy. I just remember being surrounded in light, green light, and just a surge of energy, that sort of spark between us. I mean, I will never forget that moment; it was unlike anything that I have ever experienced. And moving forward, we just sort of like fell into each other so easily. And after we stopped dating, you know, I wanted to recreate that connection and that emotion in other relationships, but I could never find that same sort of connection. And so I didn't realise it at the time - and it wasn't until after he passed that my sister came to me with the idea of 'twin flames'. And I'd known about soulmates, but this idea of 'twin flames' sort of takes that up a notch or two in terms of the sense that you share the same soul. And so at the time of the creation of your soul, it splits into two - so, my soul was one of these sparks and Michael's was the other - and so when we came back together, there was that union and that familiarity that is unlike any other connection that I've ever known. And so when I did some research and started reading about 'twin flame', so much of what I read made sense to the experiences that we had shared; like we had this telepathic communication and we would dream about each other and essentially visit each other in our dreams, and Michael was very much into lucid dreaming and talked about it often, and tried to teach me how to do it. And then we shared the same birthmarks and the same moles and both of us had a heart murmur. And there was just all these other physical and emotional and spiritual similarities that really, really connected us quite quickly. And so the more I learned about 'twin flames', this other term called 'heart centred awakening' really resonated with me and I feel that's what happened when we first embraced - the heart chakras just burst open, you know, when we had this huge flood of energy sort of released between us and so the 'heart centred awakening' is how I describe that experience now. In terms of how I have really grown spiritually since I started processing my grief, the 'twin flame' dynamic - the idea of our souls being one - has really helped me sort of move into this idea of connecting with my higher self and being able to connect with his higher self. And so often when I would go into that quiet space, it was him and his voice that I could hear in my head and I'm like, 'well, it makes sense, if we're of the same soul, that when I go into that place where I feel connected, my soul, that I hear his voice'... so much of that has really helped me process the loss that I was feeling.


Hannah Velten 20:57

Yeah... there's something in my head, like, I'm remembering something when you're talking. And it hasn't quite come into my consciousness at the moment. But what you're saying is triggering something very, very deep... I know something further about this. And I was just gonna say, so I know how my grief was - and I know everybody experiences grief in a different way - but you described it beautifully when you heard that Michael had passed over... like you felt part of you was suddenly missing. Can you sort of talk through what sort of pain you were feeling? Or what sort of missing element that was?


Hannah Velten 21:49

Yeah, it was massive. I can remember when my friend called to tell me about his passing and - I think in any loss situation - the silence sort of takes over the room, and then it's all a blur after that for, like, weeks and months and moving forward... grief and mourning is such a powerful combination of emotions... I don't think I ever knew how to move through it and... I wouldn't want to say 'continue to live my life' [Kerri laughs] because that's the expectation... but I just was never the same person again. I just stopped doing the things that I loved; I lost the joy in my life, I think is essentially what happened. And like music, because it was so tied to him, I had a really hard time listening to certain songs and to be in a drum circle, like the thought of that (to this day still), is very, very emotional... and I know he's telling me to do that, that I have to do that at some point, but I'm not ready. [Kerri laughs] But it's coming. And there's other parts of my life that I just had to suppress, like anything spiritual I couldn't allow myself to go there, because he was there waiting on the other side of that. And for years and years, I wasn't ready to allow that part in; it was too painful. There was just too much hurt, too much emotion. [Kerri's kitten starts yowling very loudly, repeatedly] Oh, my kitten, she's gonna make a fuss here... I have this recurring tsunami dream and I finally realised that that was... [kitten continues to yowl] she'll be okay when she feels me. She's deaf and blind.


Hannah Velten 24:14

Oh, no. Do you want to do and get her?


Kerri Scott 24:19

Oh, there she is. I thought it would be the dog that would interrupt us! [both laughing] There she is. Okay, she's fine.


Kerri Scott 24:29

... but I had this just reoccurring tsunami dream and I think it was really symbolic of the grief that I felt and was living within - suppressing - because I wasn't communicating it to anyone. And it was just all inside of me and in my head and there was no outlet to talk about it. And so, like I said, I stopped doing yoga because, you know, when you get into that still space of rest at the end, I would always just be so flooded with emotion... tears just soaking me that I couldn't be in public. I didn't want to be that emotional and I didn't want to be that hurt and show that amount of grief in public... and another one, I mean, going to church is so difficult for me now because his family was such an important part of that; I mean, his name is in the hymn books. And so he's such a powerful presence there; so I can't go there and sing, because the emotion is so strong. And I think I'm finally getting to a place in my life where I've processed a lot of that, but for years I just buried it, and buried it and buried it. So I wasn't living life; I was merely just moving through it, you know, and coping (as you've talked about).


Hannah Velten 26:13

And the thing is that when it's been so long, as well, people don't talk about their grief, especially if lots of people hadn't known you were together. And like, what the hell do I do with all of this? There's just no outlet and not being able to talk to people. And I'm being led actually into what you're doing now... So you've written a book, which I've had the privilege of reading. I know it's not out yet (it's in final draft, sort of editing stage). It's a beautiful, beautiful book. I mean, it touched me. So many places I was like, 'Oh, that's a perfect description'. You've got such a beautiful way with words and how you're expressing your grief... So what I want to ask you is, why did you start writing? Was that the outlet that was possible for you?


Kerri Scott 27:11

... When I started writing, I was writing a very different book and I didn't know, at that point, that there was this grief that was needing to be processed. There were a couple of significant moments... and one of them was on my 40th birthday, where I went into a sensory deprivation tank. And I thought that would be the most amazing experience to give myself, turning 40.


Hannah Velten 27:50

[Hannah gasps and laughs]


Kerri Scott 27:53

At the time, my children were quite... you're like 'no'!


Hannah Velten 27:54

Oh, my God, I can feel it coming {Hannah laughs}


Kerri Scott 28:00

For me, I was just craving that stillness and that silence, you know, my children were quite young still at the time. And so just to give myself an hour completely to myself was just like the best present ever. But what ended up happening was, there was so much more noise that I wasn't really anticipating. And... I call it like a pressure cooker for meditation... I had to remember my meditation practices and sort of reignite this spiritual part of myself. And when I was, you know, going through all the different chakras, as I was floating there, and when I got to my heart like this pain, this suffering that I'd been putting myself through for all these years, really was calling out to be healed. And I had no choice but to figure it out, because I knew I couldn't continue on like that, because there was a block and if I was gonna, you know, be the person that I needed to be for, you know, the next 40 years of my life, hopefully, I needed to release that. And so the writing that I was doing kept repeating itself in terms of this experiential piece and I'm like, 'Okay, I have to acknowledge that this experiential piece is what needs to be written.' And so that's ended up becoming what is the book now. And once I acknowledged that... and my husband was really helpful in terms of pointing this out to me, he said, 'Suicide is something that really triggers you and you're very sensitive about it.' And I was like, "Am I? I didn't think I was. Doesn't everybody respond this way to suicide? It's an uncomfortable thing." But he's like, "No, you're particularly {Kerri laughs} sensitive about it." Because, you know, if it was brought up in a TV show where someone talked about it casually... I would have such a physical and often emotional reaction to it. And so, when I found this one book about 'suicide survivors', it really informed me about the grief that I hadn't processed. I didn't realise that I wasn't processing my grief. I sort of thought I'd done it in my own way. And, I mean, I knew that I thought about Michael every day, that was just my life. That's who I was. I was accepting that, but I wasn't telling people that - it wasn't, you know, something that I was open about. And it wasn't until I started being open about the fact that I had this person in my life, that, you know, I loved and we'd had this incredible connection, and they'd died by suicide, that I realised that just by saying that, and being vulnerable about it, created a space for other people to share their own experiences. And I think that's been one of the most beautiful gifts of this whole process is being able to allow other people to open up about the people that they've lost.


Hannah Velten 31:29

Yeah... I was just thinking your deprivation tank experience would have been a lot like the kind of COVID experience of isolation. And, I mean, grief has gone off the scale, in my work, around COVID... it's triggered so much grief that people thought was dealt with... they've blocked it down and it's now come up. And so that was one point, I can see that, but also by you expressing and talking about your grief, and gradually... your book is beautiful in bringing out the layers of grief and... you've touched on it before about Michael being there with you, and almost bringing up things for you to find out... the details... I've got this thing about 'details' for this episode. You know, Christian was the same; I wanted to know everything about his past life - you know, things that I didn't know about him at Uni, from his friends - just getting his life story, and then wanting to know everything about what happened in Africa and tracing it - and you had the same kind of thing. And I do believe Michael was there, sort of helping you uncover all these things...


Kerri Scott 33:03

Yeah... it's been such an interesting journey that way. And it's like, oh, gosh, I feel like the more I embrace him in spirit, the more sort of bubbles up about him. And there's been these connections that I've made with friends of his, and other people that knew him in his life, and they are sharing bits of information about him that I never knew. And so I'm learning about him more as a person from other people's experiences, you know, the more open I am about him... it's such a fun {Kerri laughs} - fun is such a silly word - but it's really exciting to have that information surface... and a lot of it (it's funny), it's not linear the way that it's coming up... the article that was published about him on the day of his memorial was very descriptive, of course, about who he was, and I only just uncovered that recently, like, within the past month or so. I didn't even know that it existed until now. But I can only believe that I was led to find that. And then within that, I even found another photo of him from two years before he passed... It's so interesting to me, because for almost two decades it's been quite silent and there hasn't been a lot of talk about him and now there's been a sort of this resurgence now of who he was, and how he impacted people and just little glimpses of what he used to do: he did an inventory of native plants in Nevada and he contributed to this book and I never knew that, like, I wouldn't have known that. And so my sense is, and I fully believe, the more I share my story about him, the more other people are going to be able to share their stories about him, too. And so there's just this wealth of information, this fountain of knowledge, that starting to flow around him and his experiences and how he touched people. And, yeah, it's really joyful to be able to just, like, look into his life and know how many people loved him on such an incredible level.


Hannah Velten 36:01

So, yeah. I've had obviously people come to me for guidance with suicides and it's amazing how many families don't know how to celebrate after a suicide; there's just so much pain and hurt. And it's almost, like you say, you can't speak their name... it's just very shrouded... it's such a difficult death. And interesting, using the word 'suicide survivor' for anybody who is connected to the person who committed suicide... do you get a feeling of what Michael is trying to say to you to explain, to get you to understand his mental state, maybe with the bipolar or anything like that?


Kerri Scott 37:00

Yeah... that's been a big question for me during this whole process. What is bipolar? What was the experience that he had? Because when him and I dated, he was such an optimistic person, and so spiritually connected. So kind and so gentle. Kind of really quite larger than life. And there was one time when we were together in Yosemite, that he... I realised, now looking back, that I think he was depressed. I just thought that it was sort of a fault of our relationship and I took it personally that, you know, things weren't working out between us. But really, I think what had happened, he was starting to struggle with this depression that he was going through, and he really lost his smile, you know; he lost the spark in his eyes, they went dark, like a dark blue, as opposed to the crystal blue that they were. And not knowing what to do, at the time, other than to just sort of leave him be, I wonder, after that time that we spent together, what his life looked like in those two years after we dated. Because I learned after his passing that, you know, he had been hospitalised numerous times and had had other suicide attempts. And even though him and I communicated occasionally, during that time, he never ever told me about the depth of his struggles. I really didn't know how much pain I'm assuming he was in. I've read other books about people and their bipolar struggles and what that looks like - to be manic and to be depressed and there's the middle state in between, too - I think he's really led me to those stories in order to help me understand what it was that he did go through, during that time. I've also met people that have talked about bipolar disorder, in the sense that it is our label for something else that's going on in our Western society. And this is something that I'm still trying to figure out and, you know, I kind of put it out there if anybody has any better understanding of it - in the sense that if Michael was such a spiritual or connected person and he was on this path to ascending that happened so rapidly for him that he couldn't process. And so there was sort of this negative energy that he took on, in his body, but in essence his spirit had already sort of moved on to another place and so, in western medicine, we often medicate that and try and balance it, because we don't understand it.


Kerri Scott 40:41

But when I was travelling in West Africa, for university, I met a fetish priest who was, in his community, was really revered as someone with wisdom and knowledge and power, and I had the opportunity to sit down with him and interview him. And he showed me, you know, the different shrines that he had for the spirits that would enter him. And when he first had this 'possession', I guess that's what he would call it, he was practising to become a police officer and he ended up, you know, naked in the streets and people had to carry him off. But his community recognised that there was something more powerful going on for him and took him and he studied to become this priest that he was. And so I think if he was living in a Western culture, he would have been diagnosed with a mental illness and medicated or locked up or something like that. But because he was in West Africa, you know, he was treated differently. And so I can't help but wonder if there's a similarity between those experiences and what Michael was going through and what the priest had experienced. And there's still so much more of that puzzle that I would like to figure out. I do feel like I'm slowly collecting the pieces of that to put together and have a better understanding.


Hannah Velten 42:22

Yeah, it's funny how you've been collecting the story and making sense of it, like that jigsaw, which is exactly what I've been doing. So we've talked about Michael and his story that you've been able to sort of put together and to celebrate him as well; there's this big thing about being able to now celebrate him and talk about him openly and freely and, yeah, celebrating him rather than the death and all the heavy stuff. But for you, how have you gone from feeling like all the joy has gone out of your life, you now cannot move on with your life in the same way... How have you moved to where you are now?


Kerri Scott 43:20

It's been so lovely. And I'm so grateful that that happened, because it's been a true transition. I kind of talk about it as transformational grief - that's the word that popped up in my head - and through the acknowledging that, first of all, I was frozen in my grief and then to really own that aspect of myself. I really went through a spiritual awakening in the process. And I think the grief sort of triggered that awakening. I kind of like to say that three things happened in order for that awakening to begin, and one of them was that I had to take responsibility for my life and my choices. The second was that I believe that everything is energy. And the third was that I lost someone close to me that I loved and it wasn't necessarily in any particular order, but those three fundamental pieces came together for me to have had this awakening. I mean, it's been just an everyday process, everyday learning and growing. And so much of that has been to turn inward and look for the answers within, right. I kind of think of my life in these stages:… until I was 40, I was really just reacting to life and I was looking externally for everything, for the answers. And then after this, and during this awakening, I had to turn inward and, instead of reacting to life, I realised I had the power to create the life that I was having. [Kerri's dog barks to come in] Of course, now my dog's gonna want to come in. [Kerri goes to let her dog in]


Hannah Velten 45:41

I'm surprised our puppy's not running around up above. So yeah, that's fine. [both laughing]


Kerri Scott 45:49

So, the really huge learning that I had was that the grief that I felt for Michael was equal to the love that I felt for him. And I really placed that, I guess, on a pedestal; like, I couldn't have that love, if I didn't have him, right. And so with him gone, I couldn't have that level of love in my life anymore. But I realised that the love that I felt for him was equal to the love that I had for myself. And so once I was able to claim that back, and not displace it on him, as though he was responsible for it, and instead, I was responsible for that love, then everything shifted. I found joy again, right. And I've been able to return to it, and I can summon that higher vibration - that experience within myself - and it's been so incredible. And this is the piece that I really want to share with people: we all have it within ourselves to feel that amount of unconditional love towards anything, and the more we're able to sit in that, within our own beings, the more we see it reflected back to us in every interaction and every experience that we have. And so, yeah, this whole process has been so incredible. And the thing that also just blows my mind and fascinates me - and you're such a good example of this - I've had this journey pretty much in isolation (I'm a very independent person and since I started writing my book, I just really lock myself in my house as often as I can to be able to tap into this - for four years or so) and I've been meeting all these other people that have had a similar experience and finding the same sort of markers of gratitude, and so many similarities that they've uncovered, but from their own path, and we're all meeting at this same place, and having the similar experience, but all from completely different places. And I'm just overwhelmed by that union that's going on and the similarities in our experiences are just brilliant.


Hannah Velten 48:44

Absolutely.Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it? Because obviously, doing this podcast, I'm meeting a lot of people that are coming my way now. And you can see the similarities all the way along... you know I've done a lot of research, but other Earth-based communities, if there was a difficult death, you know, like a suicide, or like with Christian going missing, or a murder or something like that, it would actually be up to the families to do a grief ritual themselves, because it was almost like it was so out of the ordinary. But all of us now coming together, who have difficult deaths, to have moved through, to have found our own sort of grief rituals, do you see we now have a purpose together to help others to process?


Kerri Scott 50:00

I think one of the sort of reoccurring things for me is just to face what's uncomfortable and to realise that the things that are uncomfortable in our lives are of our greatest learning. And to really reframe how we look at death and how we look at our relationship with Spirit and really question what that is. I mean one of the biggest learnings, again, has been for me to question my own beliefs and to really be conscious of the thoughts that I have at any given time. What we keep thinking just becomes a belief; like a belief is just a thought we keep thinking and so knowing that I've really had to challenge what is it that I believe about death, what is it that I believe? Really everything. And I think I'm in such a different space around what death is, and I really want to be able to help spark those conversations with people about loss and dying, and leading up to dying, because it's so uncomfortable to have those conversations, generally speaking. And, you know, I feel like I've been sort of given this... I guess a gift; just this place of understanding where I can facilitate those conversations from a different place. And I think there's so much to be gained as a society, if we can have these discussions more openly, without that layer of guilt and shame and discomfort and everything that goes along with it... more than anything, I think it's just a matter of just pushing that discussion forward and getting it out in the open... I said to my girlfriend the other day, kind of out of the blue, but I'm like, 'You know, tell me, about you dead people; you know, how are they doing? How are they showing up for you?... What did they tell you today? And where are they at?..."


Hannah Velten 52:45

Yeah, I think that's brilliant. Because it's kind of normalising what has happened to us and what we've discovered, and both of us have made the decision - we have to take responsibility for our grief, we have to find a way through this because we do not want our lives to be like this forever. You know, we have to do something about it. And I think you and myself, and maybe all the guests we've have had on so far, it's like actually standing up and talking and telling your truth and that is how we're going to change. And I'm kind of feeling that's the most tribute, respect (whatever) we could ever give to Christian and to Michael - for their deaths, what they went through, you know, they went through that for a reason. And for us, the twin flames (whatever), the loved ones to take that forwards and to honour them and to live with them still in joy, because they're still there, they're still active, they're still so much part of our lives. And to, yeah, really make their deaths count.


Kerri Scott 54:06

Yeah, yeah. Well, and that reminds me, when I was researching 'twin flames' so much of it was just about the purpose being to share the love with the rest of the Universe, with the world, and so knowing that, it made so much sense to be able to really embrace the love that I shared with Michael, and still experience, and be able to take that somehow and (if that's our purpose) with him in Spirit and me in this life, to move that message of love and self love and the power that it holds for people, like, I'm all for that. I mean that's just such an incredible, incredible gift to be able to share with people and so when I know that I can embody it and hold that space for other people, then people just rise up to that energy. And you just feel that, right. It's so beautiful again.


Hannah Velten 55:07

Yeah, absolutely... we've totally run out of time. I just wanted to.... I knew that there was something special that had to come out at the end. And that was it. Oh, thank you, Kerri, so much for coming on the podcast. I so appreciate it. And it's been a joy to have you. And I hope our relationship will carry on and evolve as it is supposed to. I'm sure.


Kerri Scott 55:31

I know it's supposed to! Absolutely.


Hannah Velten 55:33

So, if people want to find out more about you, Kerri, they go to your website, which is very quickly.


Kerri Scott 55:40


Hannah Velten 55:44

Okay, that's beautiful. Thank you so much, Kerri, for joining us. And, um, thank you. That is the end of this episode. And I have no idea what's happening next week. We'll have to wait and see. But I'm sure it'll be exciting. So lots of love. And I hope you have a very good week. Okay. Bye.


Hannah Velten 56:02

[Outro} Thank you for listening to 'The Finder of Lost Things'. I think we've been triggered so long and so hard by COVID and it's going to carry on. People are getting used to stillness and they're getting used to more solitude, but how do you use that time for the highest good? This process that we're going to explore will bring back the joy and purpose to life, that wholeness, you know, that sort of harmony and flow and togetherness. People are really ready to find their lost parts now. You can find me at

Kerri ScottProfile Photo

Kerri Scott

“I am here to share my love of self. I do this in a number of ways that honour my values of introspection, creativity and openness. All my roles in this world are authentic expressions of this space that I hold. This is my truth.”
Kerri has lived the pain of losing a loved one to suicide after their diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Her grief journey has become her spiritual journey and from her loss she has discovered the power of self-love.
Opening up about her grief has changed her in ways she never knew were possible as she holds space for others to do the same.
Kerri is a writer, designer, energy healer, astrophysicist and mental health advocate.
She is the founder of the Soul Selves framework that bridges the ego and the higher self.
Kerri has been a guest blogger for the International Bipolar Foundation as well as other publications and is the creator of the blogs Soham Design and Exercise Your Breath.
Kerri is currently working on her debut book, Celebrate Your Grief, Transforming Your Loss into Self-Love.
She lives on Vancouver Island, in Canada with her husband and their two children.